Sometimes your true self can feel like a reflection in a body of water:
Just when you think you can grasp how you tick, the clarity ripples and disappears.
It can be frustrating to be constantly grasping at yourself, trying to cognitively comprehend yourself, especially when you want to explain it to others.
(This week’s podcast episode on my show Showing Up Whole was a deep dive into my personal story of spirituality. You can check that out here.)
There are many aspects to you:
Your mental stories, your sense of the roles you play in life, the experiences you’ve stored in your heart and core and your sense of life itself, however there is one aspect that truly does get in your way from aligning into your sense of self and that is…
SHOULDS.
Mainly, shoulds that have been passed down to you from others.
What’s a should?
A should is something that you feel you need to do, either because you’ve been taught that you had to, you’d be embarrassed not to, or because you feel it makes you a better person for doing it.
It’s the opposite to a shouldn’t, but they actually are rooted in the same way.
A good way to identify your shoulds is to ask yourself what makes you feel guilty when you fail at doing something.
(It’s not always the “curled up in a ball” guilty, I mean those sneaky little guilts that have you procastinating, or avoiding someone, or pushing something aside.
I mean the ones that you “tsk” at, when you suddenly remember you didn’t do that thing… and you hope no one finds out. Oh they can be so sneaky, those little shoulds.)
Sneaky or not, they also tell you a lot.
Because, often, while they niggle at you and weigh you down, they aren’t actually from your inner self at all, they have been passed down to you from either family, or friends, your culture or society as a whole, and honestly, its important to clear them up and out in order to be true to the realest of you.
Let’s consider a few examples:
For instance…
Growing up I had some beautiful jewelry. My mother loved antiques so from a young age I would get little pretty pieces for Christmas and Birthdays. I knew she loved them dearly.
Well, years later, having kept these pieces safe for years I let my children wear them. We traveled and slowly these pieces were lost.
I felt horrible.
Oh, I could deal with the sadness of the loss from my childhood.
But I felt guilty because I knew my mother would be upset.
I believe I even got upset with my daughters, not because of my own regret, but because of the sneaky little should in my head that told me I should take care of things, that I shouldn’t have lost them and that I’d upset my mother.
It’s not my mother’s fault either. She came from a different perspective and lifestyle than I live.
Rather, it was me letting her beliefs that had been passed down to me, over shadow my inner callings.
I often start right here with a client:
Identifying what beliefs don’t belong to you, what you actually don’t need to feel guilty about, what shoulds and roles have been imposed on you simply from the people you surround yourself is like decluttering before moving house.
To make this process simple I divide “shoulds” into 3 simple catagories:
Inherited Shoulds: Those pesky niggles that were passed down to you as a child. From making sure you finish all the food on your plate, to making your bed each morning, asking yourself what you truly feel about the little and big things creates space.
Societal Shoulds: Society and your culture passes down beliefs and shoulds subconsciously. What do you really feel about political issues? What about breastfeeding in public, or driving an electic car? It’s always interesting as you start to pull these apart. For instance, what do you feel about littering? Chances are you are about to jump down my throat at the idea of approving of littering… but I mention it because it’s important to decide for yourself. Really lean into your own perspectives: chances are you will find that you don’t want to hurt others or the planet, but at least it will be rising up from within you rather than being imposed on you!
Then there’s the Inner Callings:
Your inner callings are your integral shoulds. These shoulds rise up from your heart and flow through you, but you feel disappointed or like you let yourself down if you don’t listen to them.
For instance, you may like to take around flowers to a friend spontanously when you get a nudge, and it is always just when they need it. Or, you may like to create personalised cards for your children’s lunchbox. On a deeper note, you may feel like you simply can’t zone out on your phone for hours because you believe it does you harm.
Here’s my motto: Keep the Inner Callings and ditch the rest!
It takes some practice and some leaning into your heart, but you will find that you don’t actually feel called to go over the speeding limit deep down, or rob a bank integrally… not when you listen to your inner callings which are based in LOVE not FEAR (as we discussed in last week’s musing)
If you felt triggered when I say trust your heart instead of everything you’ve been told, I would like to encourage you to lean into the SHOULD follow the rules belief.
Where is it coming from? Do you really believe it or do you shy away from asking yourself what your inner calling is?
Getting to know yourself, really knowing yourself, is a journey and poking around the frameworks of your world is a good place to start.
If you want a little more guided version of this process you can download a video program of mine for free here.